This short play was wrote in 2001 I think during the end of university when I was really influenced by Samuel Beckett and is a attempt again to show everybody is the same.

It first got staged in 2002 at Bolton after I left. I remember it completely confusing the audience which perhaps is the point.

Sleepwalkers

(A PLAY FOR 5 PEOPLE)

(LIGHTS UP)

CHARACTERS LINED UP LIKE THIS

B                                              C

                    A

D                                             E

(THERE ARE 5 CHARACTERS CALLED A, B, C, D AND E

ALL SITTING ON 5 CHAIRS IN THIS ORDER. ALL CHARACTERS MUST BE WEARING ROUGHLY THE SAME CLOTHES AND SIMILAR LOOKING MAKE IP, OF ALMOST LIKE A GHOST LIKE COLOUR.

THE MAJOR DIFFERENCE (IF IT IS A MAJOR DIFFERENCE) IS THE MAKE UP WHICH IS SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TO HINT AT A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.)

(ALL 5 CHARACTERS AT THE BEGINNING MUST BE LOOKING DOWN ON THE FLOOR, SPRAWLED OUT LIKE A PUPPET FOR A FEW SECONDS ON THE CHAIRS. THERE IS NO MOVEMENT UNTIL A HEARTBEAT STARTS IN A LOOP OFF STOP. A LOOKS UP FIRST LIKE A PUPPET THEN DROPS BACK DOWN AGAIN. B DOES THE SAME, THEN C, THEN D AND FINALLY 4. ONCE THIS IS DONE, GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING. THE HEARTBEAT THEN STOPS. A CHARACTER GETS UP ALMOST DRUNKEN AND STEPS OVER TO THE AUDIENCE. HE SELECTS ONE OF THE AUDIENCE SAT AT THE FRONT AND SAYS)

A:

I am love

(A FREEZES, HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(B RAISES HIS HEAD. STORMS AS IF IN A TEMPTER OR A RAGE TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE. LIKE A, HE STOPS ALMOST AT RANDOM AT A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE AND SAYS)

B:

I am rage

(B FREEZES. HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(C RAISES HIS HEAD. LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSKY, AS IF FRIGHTENED OR ON EDGE AND STILL LOOKS UNEASY STEPS TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE, AND LIKE THE PREVIOUS TWO CHARACERS, STOPS AT SOMEBODY AT COMPLETE RANDOM)

C:

I am fear

(C FREEZES – HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(D’S HEAD RAISES. NO DISJOINTMENT OR ANYTHING. MOVEMENT IS SOLID, BUT AS HE BEGINS TO START WALKING, IT IS CLEAR HE CANNOT SEE WHERE HE IS WALKING, YET HE STILL MAKES IT OVER TO THE AUDIENCE, ALMOST BY GOOD LUCK THAN ANYTHING ELSE. FOLLOWING THE PATTERN, OF THE THREE PREVIOUS CHRACTERS, HE THEN STOPS AT A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE ALSO AND SAYS)

D:

I am darkness.

(D FREEZES – HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(E’S HEAD RAISED. LIKE D, HE HAS SOLD MOVEMENT BUT ALTHOUGH D, IT IS CLEAR FROM HIS WALKING, HE IS NOT BLIND AND CAN SEE PERFECTLY STILL. HE TAKES A POSITION IN THE CENTRE OF THE 4 OTHER CHARACTERS FACING THE AUDIENCE AND THEN SPEAKS)

E:

I am hope.

(LIGHTS GOES DOWN)

(WHEN THE LIGHTS COMES BACK UP, THE ORDERS THE CHARACTERS WERE SITTING IN HAS CHANGED THE FOLLOWING ORDER STILL SAT ON THE CHAIRS):

A                                                                 B

                                       E

D                                                                C

(THERE IS NO MOVEMENT UNTIL A HEARTBEAT START. E LOOKS UP FIRST LIKE A PUPPET. A CHARACTER GETS UP ALMOST DRUNKEN AND STEPS OVER TO THE AUDIENCE. HE LOOKS AT ONE OF THE AUDIENCE AT RANDOM AND THEN SAYS)

E:

I am love

(A FREEZES, HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(A RAISES HIS HEAD. STORMS AS IF IN A TEMPTER OR A RAGE TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE. LIKE A, HE STOPS ALMOST AT RANDOM AT A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE AND SAYS)

A:

I am rage

(A FREEZES. HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(B RAISES HIS HEAD. LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSKY, AS IF FRIGHTENED OR ON EDGE AND STILL LOOKS UNEASY STEPS TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE, AND LIKE THE PREVIOUS TWO CHARACERS, STOPS AT SOMEBODY AT COMPLETE RANDOM)

B:

I am fear

(B FREEZES – HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(C’S HEAD RAISES. NO DISJOINTMENT OR ANYTHING. MOVEMENT IS SOLID, BUT AS HE BEGINS TO START WALKING, IT IS CLEAR HE CANNOT SEE WHERE HE IS WALKING, YET HE STILL MAKES IT OVER TO THE AUDIENCE, ALMOST BY GOOD LUCK THAN ANYTHING ELSE. FOLLOWING THE PATTERN, OF THE THREE PREVIOUS CHRACTERS, HE THEN STOPS AT A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE ALSO AND SAYS)

C:

I am darkness.

(C FREEZES – HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(D’S HEAD RAISED. LIKE D, HE HAS SOLD MOVEMENT BUT ALTHOUGH D, IT IS CLEAR FROM HIS WALKING, HE IS NOT BLIND AND CAN SEE PERFECTLY STILL. HE TAKES A POSITION IN THE CENTRE OF THE 4 OTHER CHARACTERS FACING THE AUDIENCE AND THEN SPEAKS)

D:

I am hope.

(LIGHTS GOES DOWN)

(WHEN THE LIGHTS COME UP. THE ORDER THE CHARACTERS WERE SITTING IN HAS CHANGED AGAIN AND THE CHARACTERS WERE SAT IN THE FOLLOWING POSITION):

E                                                                 A

                                       D

C                                                                 B

(THERE IS NO MOVEMENT UNTIL A HEARTBEAT START. D LOOKS UP FIRST LIKE A PUPPET. A CHARACTER GETS UP ALMOST DRUNKEN AND STEPS OVER TO THE AUDIENCE. HE LOOKS AT ONE OF THE AUDIENCE AT RANDOM AND THEN SAYS)

D:

I am love.

(D FREEZES, HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(E RAISES HIS HEAD. STORMS AS IF IN A TEMPTER OR A RAGE TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE. LIKE A, HE STOPS ALMOST AT RANDOM AT A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE AND SAYS)

E:

I am rage

(E FREEZES. HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(A RAISES HIS HEAD. LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSKY, AS IF FRIGHTENED OR ON EDGE AND STILL LOOKS UNEASY STEPS TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE, AND LIKE THE PREVIOUS TWO CHARACERS, STOPS AT SOMEBODY AT COMPLETE RANDOM)

A:

I am fear

(A FREEZES – HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(B’S HEAD RAISES. NO DISJOINTMENT OR ANYTHING. MOVEMENT IS SOLID, BUT AS HE BEGINS TO START WALKING, IT IS CLEAR HE CANNOT SEE WHERE HE IS WALKING, YET HE STILL MAKES IT OVER TO THE AUDIENCE, ALMOST BY GOOD LUCK THAN ANYTHING ELSE. FOLLOWING THE PATTERN, OF THE THREE PREVIOUS CHRACTERS, HE THEN STOPS AT A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE ALSO AND SAYS)

B:

I am darkness.

(B FREEZES – HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(C’S HEAD RAISED. LIKE D, HE HAS SOLD MOVEMENT BUT ALTHOUGH D, IT IS CLEAR FROM HIS WALKING, HE IS NOT BLIND AND CAN SEE PERFECTLY STILL. HE TAKES A POSITION IN THE CENTRE OF THE 4 OTHER CHARACTERS FACING THE AUDIENCE AND THEN SPEAKS)

C:

I am hope.

(LIGHTS GOES DOWN)

(WHEN THE LIGHTS COME UP. THE ORDER THE CHARACTERS WERE SITTING IN HAS CHANGED AGAIN AND THE CHARACTERS WERE SAT IN THE FOLLOWING POSITION):

D                                                                E

                                       C

B                                                                 A

(THERE IS NO MOVEMENT UNTIL A HEARTBEAT START. C LOOKS UP FIRST LIKE A PUPPET. C GETS UP ALMOST DRUNKEN AND STEPS OVER TO THE AUDIENCE. HE LOOKS AT ONE OF THE AUDIENCE AT RANDOM AND THEN SAYS)

C:

I am love.

(C FREEZES, HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(D RAISES HIS HEAD. STORMS AS IF IN A TEMPTER OR A RAGE TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE. LIKE A, HE STOPS ALMOST AT RANDOM AT A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE AND SAYS)

D:

I am rage

(D FREEZES. HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(E RAISES HIS HEAD. LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSKY, AS IF FRIGHTENED OR ON EDGE AND STILL LOOKS UNEASY STEPS TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE, AND LIKE THE PREVIOUS TWO CHARACERS, STOPS AT SOMEBODY AT COMPLETE RANDOM)

E:

I am fear

(E FREEZES – HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(A’S HEAD RAISES. NO DISJOINTMENT OR ANYTHING. MOVEMENT IS SOLID, BUT AS HE BEGINS TO START WALKING, IT IS CLEAR HE CANNOT SEE WHERE HE IS WALKING, YET HE STILL MAKES IT OVER TO THE AUDIENCE, ALMOST BY GOOD LUCK THAN ANYTHING ELSE. FOLLOWING THE PATTERN, OF THE THREE PREVIOUS CHRACTERS, HE THEN STOPS AT A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE ALSO AND SAYS)

A:

I am darkness.

(A FREEZES – HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(B’S HEAD RAISED. LIKE D, HE HAS SOLD MOVEMENT BUT ALTHOUGH D, IT IS CLEAR FROM HIS WALKING, HE IS NOT BLIND AND CAN SEE PERFECTLY STILL. HE TAKES A POSITION IN THE CENTRE OF THE 4 OTHER CHARACTERS FACING THE AUDIENCE AND THEN SPEAKS)

B:

I am hope.

(LIGHTS GOES DOWN)

(WHEN THE LIGHTS COME UP. THE ORDER THE CHARACTERS WERE SITTING IN HAS CHANGED AGAIN AND THE CHARACTERS WERE SAT IN THE FOLLOWING POSITION):

C                                                                 D

                                       B

A                                                                 E

(THERE IS NO MOVEMENT UNTIL A HEARTBEAT START. b LOOKS UP FIRST LIKE A PUPPET AND GETS UP ALMOST DRUNKEN AND STEPS OVER TO THE AUDIENCE. HE LOOKS AT ONE OF THE AUDIENCE AT RANDOM AND THEN SAYS)

B:

I am love.

(B FREEZES, HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(C RAISES HIS HEAD. STORMS AS IF IN A TEMPTER OR A RAGE TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE. LIKE A, HE STOPS ALMOST AT RANDOM AT A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE AND SAYS)

C:

I am rage

(C FREEZES. HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(D RAISES HIS HEAD. LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY, AS IF FRIGHTENED OR ON EDGE AND STILL LOOKS UNEASY STEPS TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE, AND LIKE THE PREVIOUS TWO CHARACERS, STOPS AT SOMEBODY AT COMPLETE RANDOM)

D:

I am fear

(D FREEZES – HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(E’S HEAD RAISES. NO DISJOINTMENT OR ANYTHING. MOVEMENT IS SOLID, BUT AS HE BEGINS TO START WALKING, IT IS CLEAR HE CANNOT SEE WHERE HE IS WALKING, YET HE STILL MAKES IT OVER TO THE AUDIENCE, ALMOST BY GOOD LUCK THAN ANYTHING ELSE. FOLLOWING THE PATTERN, OF THE THREE PREVIOUS CHRACTERS, HE THEN STOPS AT A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE ALSO AND SAYS)

E:

I am darkness.

(E FREEZES – HEAD GOES DOWN LIKE A PUPPET TAKEN OFF THE STRING)

(PAUSE)

(B’S HEAD RAISED. LIKE D, HE HAS SOLD MOVEMENT BUT ALTHOUGH D, IT IS CLEAR FROM HIS WALKING, HE IS NOT BLIND AND CAN SEE PERFECTLY STILL. HE TAKES A POSITION IN THE CENTRE OF THE 4 OTHER CHARACTERS FACING THE AUDIENCE AND THEN SPEAKS)

B:

I am hope.

(LIGHTS GOES DOWN)

(WHEN THE LIGHTS COMES BACK UP, THE CHARACTERS LINED UP LIKE THIS AND THE HEARTBEAT STARTS STRAIGHT UP)

B                                              C

                    A

D                                             E

(THE CHARACTERS ALL SIT ONE UP AFTER THE AFTER AND SAY)

E:

I am everyman

(PAUSE)

D:

I am everyman

C:

I am everyman

B:

I am everyman

A:

I am everyman

(HEARTBEAT FLATLINES)

(LIGHT GOES DOWN)

Yesterday (Version 2)

Here following on from yesterday is Version 2.

This is shorter, and somewhere sparser – I may have a longer version 

of this scene knocking around somewhere as I am sure Rachel 

come into this scene as a one night stand which doesn’t go away but 

anyway enjoy!

(PAUL’S BEDROOM)

(PAUL WALKS ONTO STAGE, THEN TOWARDS THE SINK)

(HE STOPS AT IT. LOOKS DOWN AT IT AND THEN BACK UP

AT THE WINDOW)

(HE IS A GOOD LOOKING MAN PERHAPS IN HIS

LATE 30’S WITH SEVERAL DAYS OF GROWTH ON HIS

FACE. HE IS DRESSED IN HIS CLOTHES WHICH ARE

SCATTERED ALL OVER THE PLACE  WITH A SHIRT

DANGLING OUT AND JUST ONE SOCK ON HIS LEFT FOOT)

Paul:

Oh god

(PAUSE)

I’m getting too old for this

(HE BURPS AND LOOK BACK DOWN AT THE SINK

BEFORE STANDING UP STRAIGHT AND LOOKING AT

THE MIRROR AGAIN)

I am getting way too old for this.

(PAUSE)

That is the last time I do pints with double brandy chasers.

(LOOKS AT HIS SHIRT SLEEVE)

Or eat dodgy Indian takeaways.

(LOOKS BACK AT THE MIRROR)

I am really getting too old for this

(MOBILE RINGS)

Hello

(PAUSE)

Yes, that’s me. Sorry can you

Repeat that again.

(PAUSE)

I did what?

(PAUSE)

Is this a joke?

(PAUSE)

Who is this?

(PAUSE)

Yesterday (Version 1)

There is three versions or attempts at starting this play knocking around which was wrote a few years before Shameless came onto our TV Series and kinda covered the same ground in a way, in the sense of it focused on a very layabout almost Neil Morrissey kind of screenwriter called Paul who had been avoiding being grown up all his life and had three kids by three different women picks up a much younger girlfriend called Rachel who totally wrecks his life.

There was two further attempts to rewrite this after university which I will share at a later date and one that has a series of meetings with my friend, Alex Humphrey who sadly went missing just after we started working it out, and another version with my friend Rob Goodier which ended up with around 20 pages of notes which was a huge agreement and didn’t go anywhere.

Act 1:

(SETTING – PAUL’S LIVING ROOM. PAUL, A SCREENWRITER AND WOULD BE NOVELIST IS SITTING IN HIS STUDY. HE IS A ATTRACTIVE, HIPPIE-ISH MAN IN HIS EARLY 40’S. HIS AGENT, TONY A SLIGHTLY YOUNGER MAN IS SAT THERE TALKING TO HIM)

Paul:

You’re joking

(TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD)

This is a wind, please me this a wind up

(NO RESPONSE FROM TONY)

I know some of my scripts can be a long winded, but I would

Have never wrote that.

(TONY REACHES INSIDE HIS BRIEFCASE AND PULLS

OUT A PIECE OF SCRIPT AND PASSES IT TO PAUL.

PAU LOOKS AT IT BEFORE ANSWERING)

Oh Shit.

Tony:

That’s one word for it, mate. We nearly ended up with a full strike

After one page monologue of Romeo telling Juliet he wanted her

To join him in snorting a load of Coke and then off to the meadows

For some anal sex with him and his three brothers. You do know

How old Michelle is who is playing Juliet is don’t you?

(PAUSE)

She’s 12 years old mate. Her mother nearly had a fit

When she heard her read it. I know Shakespeare works

Sometimes get adapted for the modern stage, but I don’t

Think Juliet was meant to be a coke-sniffing Nymph.

Paul:

You remember that drama I am doing for Sky One too?

Tony:

Of course.

(TONY BLUSHES)

Oh god, she’s called Juliet.

Paul:

I don’t know how it happened.

Honest to god, I don’t know how this was happened.

(TONY LAUGHES)

Tony:

If you started putting dialogue in from Romeo and Juliet

In there, that’ll certainly stump them. Isn’t that the one

Where..?

Paul:

I think we’ll just changed topics there, don’t you?

(RACHEL – A PRETTY, PETITE GIRL IN HER

EARLY 20’s ENTERS THE ROOM)

Paul:

Hey Babe.

Rachel:

Hey yourself.

Tony:

Hi Rachel

(RACHEL DOES NOT ANSWER

AND CARRIES ON TALKING TO PAUL)

Rachel:

I’ve not got any lecturers this afternoon. Do you

Fancy meeting up for lunch?

(TONY LOOKS AT PAUL)           

Paul:

Sorry, babe. I can’t. Once I finish off with Tony here

I am going to be tied up with rewrites all afternoon.

Rachel:

Forget about it

(LEAVES)

Tony:

Bloody hell. What’s up with her today?

Paul:

I think she’s having a few problems at university.

Tony:

Doesn’t she ever smile?

Paul:

You’ve just caught her at a bad moment.

Tony:

And the thirty times before?

(PAUL SMILES BUT DOESN’T ANSWER)

Tony:

I’m surprised she doesn’t audition for

A Victoria Beckham look-alike agency

Sometimes.

Paul:

She’s not that bad.

Tony:

Do you want me to answer that?

How are the kids reacting to her?

Paul:

You don’t want to know.

Believe me, you don’t want to know.

Harry…

Tony:

Ain’t he your eldest?

Paul:

Yeah, he’s a right lazy swine.

Have I told you what he’s told

Me he wants to do for a living?

(TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD)

Paul:

He wants to become a porn star

(TONY LAUGHS)

I’m being honest with you, mate.

He came out with it when I went

Round to visit him at his mum’s

Last week.

Tony:

Pauline?

Paul:

No, Lind.

Tony:

You’re like ***** *****

With ex wives. I lose

Bloody count.

Paul:

You can talk, mate.

How many times have

You being married?

Tony:

Fair enough.

(PAUSE)

Tony:

How did you meet her

In the first place?

Paul:

Didn’t I tell you?

(TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD)

I was a guest lecturer at our

Rebecca’s university.

(PAUSE)

I’ll pass on the rest if you don’t

Mind

Tony:

You dirty devil

(PAUL)

Paul:

Long story, mate. Long, long story.

Can we leave that until another day.

I’d rather talk about Harry..

Tony:

I almost forgot about him.

(PAUSE)

Paul:

I wish I could. I popped round

To see him after I spoke to Pauline

A day or two after she rang up

And told me he wanted me to help

Set up his own business. About bloody

Time I told myself as all I’d seen him

Do since he graduated the previous

Year was sit round and smoke pot.

Pauline didn’t tell me what it was,

So by the time I got round there

I didn’t know what to expect.

(PAUSE)

When I arrived he was sat there

In front of me and said to me

With a straight face ‘Dad, I

Need twenty five grand off you’

With a straight face.

Tony:

Bloody hell.

Paul:

I said – what on earth do you need

All that for? And I kid you not –

He answered me you helped Mikey out

When he told you he wanted some money

Off you’

Tony:

Isn’t he in that errr.. band

Paul:

He fancies himself as the British Eminem. He’s dreadful.

(PAUSE)

Truly is but it was the case of slipping him a couple

Of hundred quid not twenty five bleeding thousand.

(PAUSE)

I nearly fainted when he said that. ‘What the hell do you

Want that for? And he completely avoided the question

By sprouting out some crap about it was the career he

Really, really wanted. I kid you not, he must have

Gone on for about twenty to twenty five minutes

Sprouting on about how perfect an opportunity

This was for him and how much he felt this

Was right up his alley without actually telling

What it actually was. After 20 to 25 minutes of that

Crap, I was ready to give just give him the money to just

Bloody shut him up but when he then mentioned

Camera equipment, it sort of pricked my interest if

You know what I mean?

Tony:

He wants to become a cameraman?

Paul:

I only wish so I asked him ‘Camera Equipment

-         what are you planning to do – shoot films?’

And he blushed and I knew he was hiding something

From me ‘What aren’t you telling me? I said finally

‘as much as you may think me pulling twenty to twenty

five thousand out of nowhere is impossible’. He didn’t

answer and it then dawned on me, he wasn’t shooting

films or anything. He wanted them for shooting

Porn films.

(TONY STARTS LAUGHING)

Paul:

It aren’t funny. I can accept I haven’t being

The best father in the world, but even…

Black Day for a nice wedding

This next piece is un-dated but I suspect it was around the beginning of 2001 and was wrote for a completion at the time for a local theatre in Bolton who wanted to produce monologues.

I can’t remember why I never finished it as it cuts off very suddenly but it is kind of based around a wedding I know one of my friends went to at the time where it all kicked off big style.

A conclusion for the piece would talk about what happened next and let’s say it doesn’t get any better.

Andy

(JOHN WALKS ONTO STAGE. HE IS A LONG HAIRED SCRUFFY LOOKING MAN IN HIS EARLY 30’S WHO LOOKS VERY NERVOUS AS HE BEGINS TO SPEAK)

John:

When I was young, I used to sing here every Sunday.

My father, god bless his would used to walk me and my

Little brother, Pete down here about half past nine like

He was still in the Army, insisting both of us keep in line

Like a drill sergeant.

(PAUSE)

We rarely did of course

(PAUSE)

He would turn round and tut at us firstly softly, and then

Tut a little louder until steam started to come out form under

His nose, and then he would softly but firmly say ‘Boys’

With such force, we both knew we were in for a hiding

Unless we behaved ourselves and did what he wanted us to do.

(PAUSE)

Pete didn’t last of course. He lost interest pretty quickly and

Eventually became school football captain, and even when onto

Having trials for both city and united after leaving school instead

Of going to college before breaking his left leg during his second

Match when he was 17 and had to retire a year later altogether

(PAUSE)

Poor sod

(PAUSE)

I carried on for a bit, before I eventually lost interest too

Even though I could hit the top notes higher than most

Of the girls. I probably would have going if the girls had

Being nice, but let’s just say none of them I would have touched

With Pete’s.

(PAUSE)

When I first walked in there before it kicked off, I was really

Surprised how little it had changed in the 20 odd years since I

Had last being in there. For the first couple of minutes, I kept

Expecting to see Father Browning who would have had to be

Somewhere in his early to mid 80’s by now walk from the back

And lead the service with the skill of a conductor. There is no way

He would have stood for what happened when the first punch flew

(PAUSE)

Now I must admit I’ve being to one or two dodgy weddings

Over the years and even see the best man throw up on the altar,

But I’d never seen a fight break out on the altar about who was

The father of the child in the middle of the ceremony.

(PAUSE)

I wasn’t originally say anything, let alone get involved I’ll tell

You that for nothing. It was just one of those ridiculous moments

That you may see in a Carry on film, but not in the middle of a real

Actual life wedding where the wedding gets interrupted by somebody

Running in and shouting out ‘Stop the wedding, stop the wedding

The baby’s mine’.

(PAUSE)

It wasn’t as if I cared much about Toni anymore –

The invite itself came right out of the blue like bad news

And just like when I punched her Uncle Joe straight between the

Eyes when it all kicked off

(PAUSE)

It was a beautiful shot too. Crisp and Perfect. Ricky Hatton

Would have being proud of me with that. I’d never liked the

Old fool anyhow even when me and Toni had being going out

And I couldn’t believe when he turned round and said to me

‘I suppose you’ll be saying it’s yours next’ and was about

To say more until I thought stuff it and lamped him one.

(PAUSE)

If I am honest, I did feel pretty shitty afterwards about

Lamping him when he didn’t get back up again and Paul,

You his maggot of a son screamed at me ‘What are you

Doing? Dad’s 85 years old’ and launched at me but there

Was no way I was going to admit to that.

(PAUSE)

Still I guess Toni won’t ever forget it.

Tree Walkers

According to my file Tree Walkers was wrote on 10 February 2000 in the middle of a very bad nights sleep thinking about life and where I would go after I left university. At this time, I remember I was pretty well obessioned with Samuel Beckett’s work and this short piece I know for a fact was influenced by him.

I never had the guts to show this to my playwriting lecturer, Les Smith as a official assignment but do remember him sitting there looking at me very puzzled indeed which is in contrast to my theatre studies lecturer, James who loved and arranged for this to get performed for a small audience for the university.

Sadly it never got videoed but it got a great reaction.

Andy

(THE STAGE IS BLANK. THERE IS NO SET ON STAGE. JUST COMPLETE DARKNESS. BLACKNESS THAT DOESN’T STOP THROUGHOUT THE PLAY)

(IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DARKNESS, A BRIGHT, ALMOST GHOSTYL WHITE LIGHT APPEARS IN A SEMI CIRCLE. IN THE CENTRE OF THIS SMALL CIRCLE STAND FOUR PEOPLE, FOUR PEOPLE ENTANGLED TOGETHER TO SUGGEST A TREE. THE TALLEST PERSON OF THE FOUR MUST BE THE MAIN BULK OF THE TREE, WHILE THE OTHER THREE SMALLER PEOPLE ALL FIT AROUND HIM ADDING AN EXTRA DIMMENSION AROUND THEM).

(PAUSE)

(THE PERSON ON THE LEFT TO THE AUDIENCE THE MOST BREAKS AWAY AND FALLS TO THE GROUND IN A LIFELESS ACTION. ONCE HE HAS LANDED ON THE FLOOR, A VOICE ANNOUNCES FROM OFF STAGE (POSSIBLY TAPE / PRE RECORDED)

Voice:

A branch snaps, a life pissed down the drain

(ANOTHER PERSON THIS TIME, THE PERSON ON THE FURTHEST RIGHT BREAKS AWAY FROM THE TREE AND FALLS LIFELESS TO THE FLOOR. ONCE HE HAS LANDED ONTO THE FLOOR, THE VOICE ANNOUNCES)

Voice:

Another dies, torn out form the mother in a disdaining echo.

(PAUSE)

(THE THIRD BRANCH SNAPS OFF AND FALLS FORWARD ONTO THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE. ONCE THIS ACTION HAS HAPPENED, DOES THE VOICE SPEAK AGAIN)

Voice:

And this carries on in a lifeless echo. Here today, gone tomorrow.

(PAUSE)

(DARKNESS FOR A FEW SECONDS. WHEN THE LIGHT COMES BACK ON, THE FOUR PEOPLE ARE BACK TOGETHER AS A TREE. THE VOICE THEN CONCLUDES)

Voice:

And this carries on in a lifeless echo. Here today, gone tomorrow. Branches snapping, re growing. Changing but never really changing. Life moving on but never more standing still. Here today, gone tomorrow. Here today, gone tomorrow.

(FADE TO DARKNESS)

Diner Scene 02/99 (co wrote with Francis and Sam)

Task:

2nd lesson of 2nd term at University in Writing for Performance - our lecturer put us into trios (I did this with two gents called Sam and Francis) and given this situation 

'10 years ago, a mean left a small town with another man's wife. Now returned to that town for the first time without that woman. On his return he meets the woman who loved him and still does.

Write six speeches from their first meaning, 

First of all, decide the location. Everybody knows everybody else etc.

Second of all, name the characters.

Third, three speeches, three from each.

It will be highly charged. 

Andy's thoughts:

I don't even remember writing this. It's a bit melodramtic but I suspect it was done in about 15 minutes in class, so it's nice considering that.



Location: - Small Texas Town. Deserted Diner. Sarah works as a waitress here.

Sarah:

God, you've got some nerve turning up here.

John:

And its GREAT seeing you too.

Sarah:

10 bloody years. 10 bloody years. You fucked off with that slag.
All the time you were giving her driving lessons. I never realised
what you were really up to. Did she pass the test? Obiviously I didnt.
And then wht about the kids? Not a note, not a phone call, nothing for
10 years. how do you think I explaiend to them both? Not that you give
a shit. I don't suppose that you cared Beth cried herself to sleep for months
and Dom's always getting into trouble all the time at school, So what the fuck
do you want now?

John:

I'm not here to explain my life to you. I know what you and the rest of this town
thinks of me. Quite honestly, I don't care. I'm here to see my kids, not you.

Sarah:

Your kids, after ten years? They're yours are they? They don't even know you
exist. You've never sent them a card, and I'm telling you now, there is no fucking
way you're not going anywhere near them.

John:

Look, love. I think they're old enough to make their own mind sup. hey're not babies
anymore. I've just come to give you this..

(Hands her a piece of paper)

It's a court order.