This next piece is un-dated but I suspect it was around the
beginning of 2001 and was wrote for a completion at the time for a local
theatre in Bolton who wanted to produce monologues.
I can’t remember why I never finished it as it cuts off very
suddenly but it is kind of based around a wedding I know one of my friends went
to at the time where it all kicked off big style.
A conclusion for the piece would talk about what happened
next and let’s say it doesn’t get any better.
Andy
(JOHN WALKS ONTO STAGE. HE IS A LONG HAIRED SCRUFFY LOOKING
MAN IN HIS EARLY 30’S WHO LOOKS VERY NERVOUS AS HE BEGINS TO SPEAK)
John:
When I was young, I used to sing here every Sunday.
My father, god bless his would used to walk me and my
Little brother, Pete down here about half past nine like
He was still in the Army, insisting both of us keep in line
Like a drill sergeant.
(PAUSE)
We rarely did of course
(PAUSE)
He would turn round and tut at us firstly softly, and then
Tut a little louder until steam started to come out form
under
His nose, and then he would softly but firmly say ‘Boys’
With such force, we both knew we were in for a hiding
Unless we behaved ourselves and did what he wanted us to do.
(PAUSE)
Pete didn’t last of course. He lost interest pretty quickly
and
Eventually became school football captain, and even when
onto
Having trials for both city and united after leaving school
instead
Of going to college before breaking his left leg during his
second
Match when he was 17 and had to retire a year later
altogether
(PAUSE)
Poor sod
(PAUSE)
I carried on for a bit, before I eventually lost interest
too
Even though I could hit the top notes higher than most
Of the girls. I probably would have going if the girls had
Being nice, but let’s just say none of them I would have
touched
With Pete’s.
(PAUSE)
When I first walked in there before it kicked off, I was
really
Surprised how little it had changed in the 20 odd years
since I
Had last being in there. For the first couple of minutes, I
kept
Expecting to see Father Browning who would have had to be
Somewhere in his early to mid 80’s by now walk from the back
And lead the service with the skill of a conductor. There is
no way
He would have stood for what happened when the first punch
flew
(PAUSE)
Now I must admit I’ve being to one or two dodgy weddings
Over the years and even see the best man throw up on the
altar,
But I’d never seen a fight break out on the altar about who
was
The father of the child in the middle of the ceremony.
(PAUSE)
I wasn’t originally say anything, let alone get involved I’ll
tell
You that for nothing. It was just one of those ridiculous moments
That you may see in a Carry on film, but not in the middle
of a real
Actual life wedding where the wedding gets interrupted by
somebody
Running in and shouting out ‘Stop the wedding, stop the
wedding
The baby’s mine’.
(PAUSE)
It wasn’t as if I cared much about Toni anymore –
The invite itself came right out of the blue like bad news
And just like when I punched her Uncle Joe straight between
the
Eyes when it all kicked off
(PAUSE)
It was a beautiful shot too. Crisp and Perfect. Ricky Hatton
Would have being proud of me with that. I’d never liked the
Old fool anyhow even when me and Toni had being going out
And I couldn’t believe when he turned round and said to me
‘I suppose you’ll be saying it’s yours next’ and was about
To say more until I thought stuff it and lamped him one.
(PAUSE)
If I am honest, I did feel pretty shitty afterwards about
Lamping him when he didn’t get back up again and Paul,
You his maggot of a son screamed at me ‘What are you
Doing? Dad’s 85 years old’ and launched at me but there
Was no way I was going to admit to that.
(PAUSE)
No comments:
Post a Comment