(NB. Not sure if I would call this a play or a series of random, mad sketches interlinked together. According to my records, this was wrote in one afternoon on 05 July 1999 with three ex university buddies, Steve W, Francis Kershaw and Peter Moore wrote as a reaction to what we thought was bad teaching by then our then university lecturer on playwriting by breaking all of the rules we had been taught I guess.Looking back at this 15 years later, it made me smile typing up at the surreal like nature of this piece and mad humour. Hope you like it too
Andy – Mar 2015)
1. Ext. A Street. A Day
(DAVE AND JIM SEE EACH OTHER AND
PROCEED TO TALK.
JIM’S VOICE IS DUBBED ON)
Dave:
Hello Jim.
Jim:
Hello Dave.
Dave:
How has you been Jim?
Jim:
Oh not too bad, Dave. Not bad. Can’t complain. Well, I
could
But where would that get me Dave? Nowhere, that’s where
Dave.
Dave:
Aye, you’re right there Jim.
Jim:
Got a bit of a bad back though, Dave you know from lifting
boxes.
The doctor says I’m not use to use heavy machinery for a
couple
Of months.
Dave:
Yeah, I’m in the same boat. I was fixing the lead on top
of my
Bungalow and a big gust of wind shot up my night shirt and
blew
Me onto next door’s patio. I did a couple of discs in.
Hurt like
Bleeding hell, I’ll tell you that for nothing, Jim.
Jim:
Sounds nasty Dave, yeah, sounds nasty. Did I tell you
about
What happened to me a coiple of months ago, Dave?
Dave:
Yeah, lifting boxes, Jim.
Jim:
No, no, Dave, that was the other week. A couple of months ago
I was helping unload this van, full of glass it was, Dave.
Big panes they were, Dave, the biggest panes they make.
Dave:
How big were they, Dave?
Jim:
Ooh, they must have been three hundred feet by four
hundred feet, Dave.
Dave:
Yeah?
Jim:
At least.
Dave:
How would they get em in the back of the van, Jim, they
don’t make
Vans that big.
Jim:
They do in my neck of the woods, Dave.
Dave:
Oh right, Jim.
(JIM TOUCHES DAVE’S FACE TENDERLY. DAVE PUSHES JIM’S HAND
AWAY)
Dave:
Jim, did I ever tell you how much I hated you, Jim?
Jim:
No, Jim I don’t believe you did.
Dave:
Well, I really do hate you, Jim.
Jim:
Oh yeah, Dave?
Dave:
YEAH
Jim:
How much do you hate me then Dave?
Dave:
… a
fucking lot, Jim. Wait here will you Jim?
Jim:
Aye, okay Dave.
(DAVE WALKS OFF.
PAUSE.
A LONG PAUSE
AROUND TWENTY MINUTES
DAVE RETURNS WITH A BILLIARD BALL IN
A SOCK)
Jim:
What’s that you’ve got there, Dave?
Dave:
This Jim? It’s a billard ball in a sock.
Jim:
What you gonna do with that Dave?
Dave:
I’m going to give your noggin a floggin’
(DAVE HITS JIM ON THE HEAD WITH THE SOCK.
AS HE DOES SO, HE SAYS..)
Dave:
Take that, you fucker
(JIM FALLS TO THE GROUND. DAVE STSNDS ABOVE
HIM, SWINGING HIS SOCK AND LAUGHING)
(MANUEL ENTERS WITH A DONKEY)
Dave:
Hello Manuel
Manuel:
Hello Dave.
Dave:
How are you keeping Manuel?
Manuel:
Oh, I’m okay, Dave. It’s the donkey. He’s ill.
Donkey:
Ee-haw.
Dave:
Oh dear. His larynx sounds poorly. You want to get him off
to the animal Doctor, Manuel.
Manuel:
Yes, Dave. I’m off there now. See you boy!
Dave:
Aye, see you kidder.
(MANUEL AND THE DONKEY LEAVE)
Dave:
Potoes! Potatoes! Come and get your potatoes. Only twenty
six pence a kilo! You can’t say fairer than that, can you Darling?
(DAVE LAUGHS HIS SILLY SOCKS OFF)
Dave:
I like battenburg cake
SCENE 2
Int. of a South Carloina Plate Shop
Kerry:
Hello Jim, how’s your head?
Jim:
Hello, Kerry. My head is fine, why do you ask?
Kerry:
Well Jim, I was told that Dave hit you with a billard
Ball in a sock, didn’t you Dave?
Dave:
Yes, Kerry I did him but not very hard, did I Jim well you
Only lost one eye and half your brian, eh Jim?
Jim:
Well, Dave we did find my eye under the Donkey and we
would
Have got the rest of brain but that dog ate it, but hey Kerry
Don’t you have a dog?
Kerry:
Yes, Jim I do have a dog. But I don’t think it was the one
That ate your brain because Dave stuffed it and
Put it on castors two months ago, didn’t you Dave?
Dave:
Kerry’s right, Jim. I stuffed the dog, it was cheaper than
Feeding it and I put a cassette player in of it barking
and
Put a simple engine to make his tail wag. Jim, do you
still
Get those headaches now?
Jim:
Only down the left side now, Dave, its heaven, the side
with
A brain never recohnises the pain so I can now
Watch telly with the light on. What about your cat, kerry
Is she still about to have kittens?
Kerry:
Yes, Jim. She has been pregnant for about five years now, but the
Doc says she’ll be fine for a while yet don’t you Dave?
Dave:
Well, Kerry in my opnion and Jim will agree with me
Won’t you, Jim.. Jim I’m talking to you.. I’m sorry
Kerry he gets that way these days, let me just get my
sock.
(DAVE PUTS HIS HAND INTO HIS TROUSTERS AND
FISHES OUT HIS SOCK WITH BILLARD BALL)
Dave:
(SWINGING THE SOCK ROUND HIS HEAD)
Oh Jim, Kerry you might want to watch this…
Kerry:
You know something, Dave you are full of bullshit
Sometimes.
Dave:
Kerry, how dare you say I am full of bullshit.
Jim:
You are, Dave.
Kerry:
Jim, Dave come on both of you are over
Reacting at the moment, what would Manuel
Say if he was here..
Dave:
Kerry, he would probably tell you to piss off too
(DAVE PULLS OUT A CRICKET BAT FROM
INSIDE HIS PANTS)
Dave:
Jim, I’m going to stump your middle wicket..
Jim:
Dave, you are such a imbecile, Kerry, will
You please tell him that his penis is not detachable
And is so small he..
Kerry:
Jim, fuck off and tell Dave the prick yourself.
Manuel:
Kerry, hello are you, hello Dave still wanking
As usual, you fucking pevert. Jim I’ve got
Something for you.
Jim:
Manuel, hello there girl. Dave’s just showing
Off for Kerry.
Manuel:
Jim, I’ve got your brain. It’s full of a shit, but
You always were a shit for brains. Dave gutted
My dog and we found it in his bowels but
Here it is.
(MANUEL PUTS HIS HAND DOWN HIS SHIRT
AND BRINGS OUT A STEAMING MESS OF SHIT
AND GIVES IT TO JIM. JIM EAGLEY EATS IT)
Jim:
Thanks Manuel. It tastes lovely. Kerry do you have
Any salt? And a drink to wash it down with?
Bob:
Here, Jim drink this. Kerry produced it earlier, didn’t
You Kerry and her and dave added the lumps, didn’t
You guys?
Manuel:
Bob, give it to me first as I’d like to add something.
I’m feeling a bit queasy. I had to fuck Dave last night
As payment and he’s a bloody awful shag.
Bob:
Ok Manuel.
Jim:
Manuel, how’s the donkey? Me and Davem that stupid
Fucker over there eating shit, were just talking about it.
Manuel:
It’s Dead, Jim. It ate the dog, so I had to stick my arm
Up it’s arse and fuck it to death.
Dave:
Manuel, that sounds fun, you should have sent for us
We’d all have had a go. Kerry could have borrowed
My strap on so she could shag it too.
Bob:
I thought you had standard, Dave. It sounds like
You will honestly shag anything nowadays. You
Sick mother..
Dave:
Bob, who shagged that camuel?
Bob:
At least, I did it with style, Dave?
Kerry:
Bob, you are really sick. I don’t know
Why I hang around with you lot sometimes.
Jim:
Kerry, you hang around with us lot because
You like it from all directions..
Kerry:
No, I don’t, Jim. I do not like group sex.
Bob:
Kerry, who shagged their way through
Arsenal’s Defence?
Kerry:
Bob, it was as stiff a defence by the time
I finished with them. At least I keep it
Off Donkeys..
Bob:
Kerry, I have never shagged a Donkey.
Manuel:
Bob, I thought you paid me to borrow
Bessie the other week..
Bob:
Manuel, that was for scenific purposes.
Let me show you..
(BOB DROPS HIS PANTS)
(OUTSIDE A STARFURY LANDS AND OUT OF IT
THE PILOT COMES INTO THE SHOP)
Pilot:
Hello, Kerry, Jim, Dave, Bob, Manuel and Les Smith,
How are you doing?
Les:
Hello, Kerry, Jim, Dave, Bob, Manuel and Pilot – it
Seems like I’ve been missing a lot of shagging but I’m
Game
(LES PROMPTY DROPS HIS PANTS AND STARTS
RIDING BOB)
Bob:
Thanks Les, Jim do you want a gobble?
Jim:
No Bob, you’re alright. I just want to shag Kerry
And Dave being the meat in the sandwich so to speak.
Dave:
Jim, I think this is getting out of hand we seem to be
Characters acting very strangely and we’re missing
The storyline.
Bob:
It’s a crummy story anyhow. Dave.
Manuel:
Well I like it, Bob and I don’t care what Les, Jim, Pilot
Or anyone says. So there, you can all fuck off.
(OUTSIDE A TRAIN CRASHES INTO THE STARFURY
AND DERAILS JUST OUTSIDE OF THE SHOP, DUST FLIES
EVERYWHERE AND TWO PLATES GET BROKEN. LES IS
PUT OFF HIS STRIDE AND THE TRAIN DRIVER COMES
IN TO SAY SORRY)
All:
Hello, train driver.
Train driver:
Hello, Tony, frank, Ian, Margaret, Jed, Geoff, Kenny
And Pilot, Who owns the flying saucer?
Pilot:
It’s mine, train driver
Train driver:
I’m sorry, Pilot but I’ve just panged it with my locomotive
Choo-choo train.
Pilot:
Is it called Ivor, Train Driver?
Train driver:
Yes, Pilot.
Pilot:
Has it done any damage, Train driver?
Train Driver:
Yes, pilot, I’m afraid your flying saucer’s fucked.
Pilot:
Ooh, you bastard. Come here you bastard, I’m
Going to twat you up royally.
Train driver:
I’ve got a bad heart, Pilot.
Pilot:
Alright, train driver. I’ll let you off, you
Little monkey. But don’t do you it again
Or I’ll fuck you arse til Boxing day
(ENTER JOHN)
All:
Look, it’s John, the man who says everything backwards.
John:
Hello everyone. I’m going to sing a song, would you
Like to sing along?
All:
Fuck off.
(THEY CARRY JOHN OFF)
3. Int. Cake Shop.
John:
Hello Cake Shop Owner.
Cake Shop Owner:
Hello John.
John:
Have you seen Pablo, Cake Shop Owner?
Cake Shop Owner:
Don’t call me Cake Shop Owner, John.
John:
Why ever not, Cake Shop Owner?
Cake Shop Owner:
Because my name’s not ‘Cake Shop Owner’ my name’s Deirdre,
John.
John:
So mine’s Cake Shop Owner
4.
(JOHN ENTERS. THERE IS A WOMAN DRESSED IN RED
SINGING ‘TIE MY KANGAROO DOWN SPORT’ IN THE CORNER. DES IS
BEHIND THE CORNER)
John (to Des):
Hello Des.
Des:
Hello Deirdre. Have you seen Les, Dave, Jim, Manuel,
Kerry, Bob, Pilot, Train Driver or John?
John:
No, Des.
Des:
You’re a lying fucker, your name’s John. The fact that you
go around saying ‘hello’s my name’s Deirdre’ to all and sundry cuts no ice in
this café, John, Deirdre or what the fuck you call yourself.
John:
Okay! Okay! Okay! Yes, I have seen Dave but I haven’t seen
any of the others. Not since ten minutes ago, But even then I couldn’t see them
at once. Des. Anyway who goes a fuck?
Des:
That’s true enough Brian
John:
John, you seen a woman dressed in red standing in the
mirror singing ‘Tie My Kangaroo Down Sport?;
Des:
Yeah, Den, there’s one over there.
John:
Right.
(JOHN GETS A HAM SANDWICH OUT OF HIS POCKET AND
WALKS TOWARDS THE WOMAN)
John: (TO
WOMAN)
Coo coo coo coo coo coo coo. Come with me.. I’ve got some
ham in my house. You can have all the
ham you want. Best stuff available. No rubbish.
(WOMAN FOLLOWS HIM OUT OF THE SHPP, OUTSIDE. HE HITS WITH
THE HAM. SHE FALLS TO THE GROUND, JOHN STELAS ONE OF HER SHOES AND RUNS AWAY)
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